Sexual Consent: Does “No” ever means “Yes”?

She’s invited you up to her apartment, she’s poured wine, you’re making out on the couch… should you be “going for it?” or do you need stop what you’re doing, and ask her, “With absolutely no implied consequence or threat that I might feel differently about you, or withdraw affection or approval in any way, would you, of your own, uncoerced free will, like to have sex with me?” Or… would it be even better to have her sign a paper, on videotape, that she is down to ride?

Sexual Consent has always been a tricky subject, but post #metoo it has become an absolute minefield. Things that we have assumed (certainly I have assumed) were totally okay, turn out to be not okay at all. And being assertive about the things you want, if done wrong in subtle ways, could be no big deal… or could be used to ruin your reputation and career.

Your lawyer and lot of articles by well-meaning feminists would like you to believe that there is a clear black-and-white line here…

And my lawyer says I have to tell you the same thing: Affirmative consent at every step… from first touch to kiss to each individual sex act. (I didn’t actually talk to a lawyer, but I think we all understand here: My advice, right here in writing, is: Get verbal consent, and written is better.)

In the video conversations below, 4 very smart and “socially smart” women give 4 very different views however. And it turns out that not all of your romantic relationships are going to boil down to “the best legal advice.” Just like not every teenager is going to find “abstinence only” a more effective strategy than learning to use a condom.

Human romantic relationships are tricky, they are nuanced, and hard-and-fast rules that apply to everyone are hard to come by. And to a very large extent, you are really on your own out there, navigating your life as a man. And to my regret, I’m sure that quite a few women could tell you about the mistakes that I made along the way.

So we pulled no punches in these conversations. I hope they will help you to navigate your own choices more maturely, intelligently, compassionately, and successfully.